Sort of.
"Hi, this is Darlene from World-Wide Carpet Cleaning. I'm calling to let you know about a half-price carpet-cleaning special. That's where we'll clean your living room, dining room and hall, for only $39.95..."
The secret was to get as much of our spiel out without interruption, finally closing with, "We have an opening on Monday afternoon, can we do it then?"
My friend Lisi and I were two of their best employees. She was a blue-haired punk rocker, with the tallest Mohawk in town, and I was preppy in pink. We were opposite in so many ways, but one thing we had in common is that we cleaned up pretty good when it came to commission. Cha-ching!
Things were clicking along until I hit a wall. It was exam time, I was working five shifts a week, and I had some dating to do. Something had to give.
I didn't expect to start crying, but once I sat down across from the boss I just couldn't stop. It wasn't that I wanted to quit the job, I just knew it was time to hang up my phone and get some studying done.
Oh and dating--I wanted that too.
Walking out of there I felt like a million bucks. I was blown away by her kindness and the fact that she had just shared a box of tissues with me. They didn't want me to quit.
We decided that I'd take some time off until I was ready to come back to work. How nice was that?
Not very.
A few days later Lisi called me up to tell me a funny story. The boss, had been imitating me at work and told everyone about our private conversation, tissues and all. Apparently it was hilarious. Not.
It's one thing to talk to someone about problems that you're having if your intention is to bring healing to the situation. It's a completely different matter when we talk about someone for sport.
When it comes to my marriage, I can act in one of two ways. I can either run and tell others about Michael's bad habits or I can protect his reputation by keeping the details where they belong. Between he and I.
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. ~ Ephesians 4:29
What I find really interesting about that verse is the fact that it ministers grace to the one who hears it.
Certainly we minister grace to our husbands when we speak well of them, but the listener too? Absolutely. When I'm kind and considerate of my husband I'm a witness that I'll also be kind and considerate to you.
Seeking the counsel of a friend from a place of compassion with a desire to heal is different than sitting around the table gossiping about our husband’s faults with other wives, or slandering our husbands because of the pain we've endured.This is important to remember when it comes to the big trials we face, but it’s also important to practice the same level of compassion when it comes to the trivial things that get under our skin.
We're all human.
Fault-finders are every bit as human as those they condemn and every bit as guilty of sin. Just because you’re walking high today, that doesn't mean you won’t fall tomorrow. And if you do fall into a pit of sin, you’ll be looking for redemption and grace to pull you back out.
It is the glory of God to conceal a thing:
but the honour of kings is to search out a matter.
~ Proverbs 25:2
Today's Vow: To Protect Your Reputation
The Challenge: Whether you're talking to your friends, your family, or your children, protect your husband's reputation by being careful with the words that you choose.
You are loved by an almighty God,
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Thanks for this open, useful blog!
ReplyDeletePeople often say to me, "Oh your husband is such a nice guy!" and I have this horrible habit of saying something along the lines of, "Yes, he is, if only he took out the trash, paid some household bills, etc.(pointing out his faults)......" God's been working on my stinky attitude and I'm learning to focus on my blessings and responding with, My husband is a REALLY NICE guy! :)
ReplyDelete"Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. she brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."Proverbs 31
Great verse for this one! Thanks for sharing it.
DeleteI needed this today... Thank you!
ReplyDeleteWhen on the receiving end of words, the power they have is obvious. But when it's the words we speak, we are often blind to how they affect others. So important to guard our tongue! Thanks for the encouragement.
ReplyDeleteOuch- I'm sorry for your 12th grade self!
ReplyDeleteBit it's true- let's talk positively about our husbands!
That was so good, and great timing! I really needed to hear that. I LOVE your blog!
ReplyDeleteWow what a timely message in today's culture. I LOVED this post.
ReplyDeleteI try very hard at this but I had never thought of this point that you made:
"it ministers grace to the one who hears it"
That's good stuff. Thank you for ministering to wives like you do.
Blessings,
The How to Guru
Married 30+ years. We are both Christians. We looked like the "perfect family." For most of this time, I tried to put the best construction on the things my husband did, and didn't speak poorly of him, but instead I defended him. Came to realize several years ago that 1) he is a covert narcissist, 2) he had no qualms about talking badly about me to our children over the years and 3) he didn't listen to the marriage counselors we saw, actually he won't even go again. I realized I've been codependent in this relationship but have been working on not doing this. Of course, that's made things more difficult between us - so now he thinks he has even more reason to label me as "the problem", but I don't buy into that anymore. Unfortunately, our children grew up with this bad pattern as an example. They avoid God and struggle with relationships. Losing my optimism....but not my faith.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about your struggle. Sometimes losing our faith in humanity brings us to a stronger faith in God. Keep looking to Him for your reward, because His love is unfailing.
DeleteI practiced what you preach for almost three decades. During that time I spoke not a word to anyone that would tarnish my husband's stellar reputation. I consistently built him up in the eyes of my children, my parents, and my church friends. I thought that if I were forgiving and gracious to him the lies, the porn, the violent temper, the adultery would all stop. No one ever knew. I wanted to give him room to repent so that, should he do so, he would not have to restore a tarnished reputation. "Go see her one more time and I'll tell" became almost a game, because he knew I'd never tell. My silence became his permission. After waiting for a repentance that never came, I finally broke my silence and told my pastor. Rather than repent, I was met with even more violent anger. As if it were all my fault because I told. Although I longed for the storybook movie ending where he repents and I forgive, that is not what I got. My children see my part in it as protecting him and lying to them. We are distant now as they want little to do with either of us. My inheritance is not the happy family I longed for but rather a future of growing old alone.
ReplyDeleteI say this to warn wives who are keeping silent about abuse in their home, thinking they are doing a good thing by remaining silent when in reality they are not. Go to a trusted pastor or elder if you think you are in danger or your husband is acting in a way that directly violates scripture. Pray for him to repent, and purpose in your heart to be forgiving and gracious to him. Maybe if I had spoken up years ago I would not have reaped the harvest that I have. Perhaps I will have a reward in heaven for having guarded my tongue so faithfully for so long, for there surely is not one down here.
I'm so sorry that you kept it in for so long. If we wait for someone to change, in some cases it can take a lifetime.
DeleteI just want to say this again, "Seeking the counsel of a friend from a place of compassion with a desire to heal is different than sitting around the table gossiping about our husband’s faults with other wives, or slandering our husbands because of the pain we've endured."
There are a lot of friends out there who want the best for us, who are willing to listen with a compassionate heart, and those who offer wisdom. This fellowship is a gift. And for many situations it's a necessity.
I'm also glad that you added this encouragement to other readers. Thank you!
Delete"Go to a trusted pastor or elder if you think you are in danger or your husband is acting in a way that directly violates scripture. Pray for him to repent, and purpose in your heart to be forgiving and gracious to him."
Well need...
ReplyDeleteWhat if it's your husband going around blabbing about his inappropriate behavior in public places that you both frequent due to kids activities? It's highly embarrassing knowing that everyone knows what a cad he's been and makes you feel like people think you must be stupid to put up with it ! Yet he's in denial about how many actually know! People talk !! It's great fodder for them especially when their own lives/marriages are miserable! Really annoying to me yet I can't bring myself to leave, always giving the benefit of the doubt!
ReplyDelete